The Attack

So I opened my door. I should of never opened it. I recognized the knock and still opened it. He didn’t give me time to shut the door and he slammed it behind him. He threw me on the floor and and held me down to where I couldn’t move or breathe or even scream for help. He forced himself on me and raped me over and over again for hours. I was so scared to death. This isn’t the first time he has done this. I really wish I was strong enough to to something about it, but I am not. This caused me to relapsed on meth all I want to do right now is numb everything I am feeling…

Heather

Meth!!

EDIT!!! I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I copied and pasted because it was 100% what happened with me to the t. All those things. I went from a good life to homelessness to prison and turned my life around.

“I remember before I tried meth, I asked people what it was like. They said “it’s like a burst of energy, a rush that takes your breath, it’s the best feeling ever, I don’t know how to explain it really.’ And they were right, but now if someone were to ever ask me what it’s like, I would tell them..

‘It’s like spending every single penny you ever had, on drugs.

It’s like going days without eating even though you were starving, but you needed dope more.

It’s like having to lie to every family and friend you had ever had.

It’s like waking up hating yourself from the shame and guilt.

It’s like going into withdrawals every 8 hours unless you had more dope to do. (And you usually didn’t)

It’s like never attending any family event because you were too high or too sick.

It’s like everyone eventually stopped inviting you to events. And even talking to you.

It’s like crying yourself to sleep every single night because your children got taken.

It’s like knowing you have one more chance to get better before your child gets adopted and still choosing that bag.

It’s like asking others how your own blood child is doing.

It’s watching everyone around you succeed and yet you’re crumbling.

It’s like everything was on your drug dealers time. If they said five hours. You’ll wait five hours in a car.

It’s like stealing everything worth value for dope. No matter how sentimental it was to you, or someone else.

It’s like losing so much weight you can’t fit into any of your clothes.

It’s like losing everything you’ve ever owned in your entire life.

It’s like nobody believing a word you said, even if it was the truth.

It’s like being a prisoner inside your own head.

It’s like contemplating suicide every single day.

It’s like never being scared to die, because that’s what you wanted.

It’s like trying to shut your brain up for even five minutes. It was worth that little time of peace.

It’s like seeing your family cry for you to stop, only for you to leave and go get high. Because stopping wasn’t an option. It wasn’t possible.

It’s like you’d do absolutely anything for more. And you did.

It’s like everyone hating you no matter where you went, because they knew you were a drug addict.

You’ll miss out on your children and they’ll be grown before you Know it. You’d kill for your child and do any and everything for them yet you won’t be able to get clean for them and we actually turn out to be the ones who hurt them the most.

It’s like overdosing and going to get high right after.

It’s like walking into rehab 100 pounds with the clothes on your back and being scared to death.

It’s like giving your ENTIRE LIFE AWAY.

So if you’re ever curious like I was, please at least know the truth. CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT, and it WILL KILL YOU TOO” 💯😔👌

A week on my new med Vraylar…

So I have been on my new medicine for a week now…so far I’m not doing really well with the change… they did increase it today so hopefully it helps…I’m going to try the increase for a week…if I’m still not doing well…were going to go back to the seraqole…I’m hoping that I do ok…I really don’t want to go back on the seraqole…

Medicine Change…

It’s been years since I have changed any of my meds…A couple months ago I got a new phsychtrist…I really wasn’t happy with that but there really wasn’t anything I could do about that… last week I had my second session with her…I mentioned that I really didn’t think my meds that I was on were not really helping a lot anymore…I was really depressed and was having suicidal thoughts at times… she asked when the last time I tried a different medicine…I said years…At this point I was reading to try anything now… she desided to take me off my seraqole (900mg) a day… and then start me on Vraylar (1.5 mg) she explained that the Vraylar was like the Seroquel and treats some of the same symptoms… tonight is my second night on the Vraylar…I’m slowly going off the seraqole…a couple days I will let you know how I am doing…I’m kinda of scared but I will be ok…

30 day self esteem challenge

I found this 30 day self esteem challenge. I’m going to see if I can complete it all, and wanted you to complete it with me.

1. List 10 things that you love about yourself?
2. List 5 things that make you smile or make you happy?
3. What is 1 fear or 1 goal that you would like to conquer?
4. What do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re having a bad day?
5. What is your proudest accomplishment?
6. What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goal? What can you do to overcome those obstacles
7. Do you think that you care too much of what others think of you? If so, how can you change that?
8. What is a food that you enjoy that makes you feel good?
9. Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? If not how can you change that?
10. Are you happy with your ” inner person”? If so why or why not?
11. Is you talk negative or positive? If so why or why not?
12. What is the last thing that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?
13. Share about the the last time you felt confident in yourself? Why did you feel that confident?
14. Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so how and why did you feel that way?
15. Do you like your personal appearance? If so why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?
16. Do you have make-up, clothing, or any accessories that makes you feel positive about yourself? If so what and why?
17. What do you do to feel calmer when you’re stressed?
18. Do you like the way you talk? If so why?
19. Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?
20. Gas your self esteem improved since doing this challenge? If so how?
21. List 5 things that you are good at?
22. Which of your skills or abilities do you pride yourself on?
23. What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?
24. Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?
25. If you meet a person just like you, would you like them? If so why? If not, how could you view them more positively?
26. When’s the last time that you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?
27. What is the main barrier to you having positive self esteem? How can you break free from it?
28. What do you consider to be healthy self esteem? Does this match the dictionary definition of a healthy self esteem?
29. What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them? If not how can you view it more positively?
30. Rate your self esteem on a scale 1-10. Has it improved from when you started this challenge?

This really has been a hard month for me…. good by July…

It has been about a month since my last post…I have really dealt with a lot of shit this month…my car broke down in June so I missed having my car…

July 6th was my birthday…I turned 41…I got in a fight with my mom the week before that so she didn’t even call and wish me a happy birthday… I ended up sleeping all day until I got a phone call from my son wishing me happy birthday…that made my day… the next day I even got a birthday card from my son…it brought tears to my eyes…I miss my son so much… the last time I saw him was Christmas…

Now the last couple of weeks have been hard…I have had 3 people I know overdose on meth that was laced with something…2 of them didn’t make it and died… right now overdoses are really high in are town…I really think all this and it being so close…and really scaring me… it’s going to be what makes me quite for sure…I hope so I don’t want it to happen to me…

Some good news I talked to my mom yesterday and I am planning on going to see her, my son, my sister and niece’s next week…I’m really looking forward to that… praying nothing gets in the way…

Hugs to you all… have a good week…

Heather

I’m now fucking car less…

I’m so angry and upset at the same time. My car finally gave up on me last night. I knew it was coming. It was going to break down soon. I was driving it until it finally did crash on me.

I just wasn’t ready yet. I now don’t know what I am going to do now without a car. I have to pick up my meds 3 times a week. Just something for me to be worried about now and stressing over. I so hate my life right now.

Have a good day Heather

June 12, 2021

Wow I really can’t believe it has been since March 1st that I posted anything. A lot has happened since then. I don’t think I could even remember some of the things that have happened.

My goal is to start blogging again.

The last thing I saw I posted was I was going to try a medicine that would help me with my cravings and stuff with my addiction to meth. That didn’t work out. I ended up using two days after I started that pill. May try it again later down the road , not sure yet. I know I’m not using as much as I was a couple months ago.

Last week I started a new kind of therapy called EMDR. Not sure if I am going to like it, but I agreed with my therapist that I would try 5 sessions before I gave up completely. I also started working through the DBT workbook with my case manager. Since covid-19 we haven’t got to have a DBT group in over a year. So hopefully going through that again I can relearn skills I could be using right now. I know I need to be using them, they sure would help.

Enough for now… hope you all have a good weekend.

Heather