My cousin’s suicide

I wake up to a phone call from my mom telling me news I never wanted to hear. My cousin who is only 22 years ago, had committed suicide this morning. I just don’t understand he is happy he had no signs of needing help. He had to be hiding what was going on in his head good. I don’t understand why he didn’t reach out to me he knows I deal with suicidal thoughts all the time. Right now I just don’t know what to do or how how to feel. I don’t think it really has sunk in that he is gone.

My Goals for 2023

1. Stop using meth!

2. Learn to live in difficult situations without using drugs!

3. Learn to handle my anxiety and stress a lot better!

4. Take my meds as I’m supposed to!

5. Need to feel and express my feelings effectively!

6. Learn how to use my spare time more better!

7. Start using my skills!

8. Learn to be more assertive with others and set boundaries!

9. Want to feel more comfortable about my body!

10. Learn to accept the way I am!

It’s been a while since I last posted. I have some goals that I am going to try to accomplish. Right now that’s all I can really do is just try, and take it day by day. Hope you all had a good Christmas. Have a safe and happy new year’s.

Hugs Heather

Started My First Addition Therapy Session!!! (8-8-22)

Yes, today I saw an addition therapist…a therapist that I would never see on a normal basis because she is not my regular therapist…I only talk to mine…I hate meeting new people…but a couple weeks ago I knew that after again being in an inpatient unit for the 3rd time in a month I had to make a change…so I agreed to talk to an addition therapist and try the therapy also…so my first session…I actually opened up and I thought I did okay…I decided I should talk if I want to move on…my next session is in a few weeks and I will let you know how it goes hopefully it goes good like this one did….

Have a good Sunday


I have been told that I have been doing this alot lately… sabotaging everything I am doing that is good for me…I have never heard of this until I looked it up and did research…I couldn’t believe it but I agreed…so my goal right now is to figure out how I can stop myself from doing it anymore…I found this 31 day DBT challenge to stop sabotaging…I wanted to share it with you in case anyone else wants to try it…

The workbook is called…

Hope you are all doing ok.


Inpatient Stay

Last week I was amited to the impatient unit. I was there for about 6 days. I really know I needed it, but I don’t think it helped me at all. They really didn’t do anything. I got rest. I think my meds aren’t working for me right now. I don’t have a med eval until the 27th. I hope I can wait until then. My thoughts are really not good right now. I’m still not coping well in my new apartment. I know I just have to give it time. I haven’t really gone out to meet anyone here. Still kinda scared but hopefully soon. I’m getting a visit from my mom this weekend. Happy about that.

Hope you are all doing well..


All Moved In

Sorry, it’s been a minute since I posted. I’m trying to stay up with posting often this year.

Since my last post I have my from my apartment that I had lived in for 14 years. This has been a really hard move. I’m not coping with it well at all. I didn’t really tell a lot of people where I was moving to either. It’s supposed to be like a fresh start. I’m hoping it gets easier really soon. I really haven’t gone outside to even try and meet people. I really seem to draw the wrong crowd. So I think I will wait on meeting new people later. I can’t believe it’s already June. My son left last week for Florida for the summer. I hope he has fun.

Last week I asked to see a new therapist. That’s another big change I’m not ready for. Please pray I get through it with no problems.

Hope you have a good day Heather

It’s A Brand New Day

I want to reach out to anyone who is feeling alone, isolated, unworthy, and unloved. I have struggled with a few different diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, PTSD, and Addiction have been the major one’s in my life for years. Sexual Abuse I have never talked about. Self-mutilation I keep a secret. I am so lost. I’m so desperate to be loved by anyone that I am willing to let anyone destroy me. Then I need to get high to NUMB everything that I am feeling at the moment. Meth is my favorite drug. I’m to the point I have to stop or it’s going to kill me.

So today I want to change that. Start a new day. Try my best very best to get clean. I know I can do this. I just have to believe that I can. I have total control, and no matter what I can’t give up!


Hopefully Moving…

Hopefully today I will find out what’s going on with my moving situation…I’m really wanting to move out of the apartment I’m in right now…if everything goes good then I have to be out of my apartment by Monday…I have lived in this apartment for 10 years and there is so many bad memories…I’m going to make the new apartment a fresh start…I’m really not taking a lot of my stuff…I’m really hoping this works out… send good vibes…

Thanks Heather

Chronic venous insufficiency

So I woke up this morning, and my foot was so swallon and a big bruise on the back of my foot…I have never been in so much pain…I felt like my foot was going to pop if It got any bigger…so I decided to go to the doctor and make sure I didn’t have a blood clot or anything… she said that it was chronic venous insufficiency… never heard of it before…but it could have been caused by me using meth… she told me that if I didn’t take care of it and it got worse I could end up losing my foot…I don’t want that to happen…so getting this news maybe what will help me quit using…