I’m told by my therapist, case manager, med nurse to reach out to them for help if I need to…so I do… and I don’t get a response from any of them…so I don’t know what the point in asking for help from anyone anymore…I’m really struggling and I feel like I am all alone…my suicidal thoughts are really getting bad….I don’t know what to do anymore…
why does god have to take you away
February was the worst month this year…I have lost to many people close to me…I lost my best friend to an overdose…lost my grandpa… and just lost another friend…I really just can’t take much more…I think I am still in shock and haven’t really processed anything yet… the way I have been coping is using…all I want to do is feel numb…
Heather
At my breaking point
I am truly at the point where I can’t take it anymore…I’m so tired of trying to do the right thing and then a minute later…turn around a fuck up the good thing I just did… there is no point anymore…I wish someone would help me understand why the hell I feel this way… nobody cares anymore…
January, 26th
Here it is 3:30 am. I’m sitting here in my bedroom wondering if I am ever going to make a positive change in my life. Make things good for me. That was my new years resolution, do positive things and try to stay sober. Well I already fucked that up. I’m on my second night up from using meth. I need to go to sleep today. I’m so exhausted. I had a really bad day Monday. I was told that a case manager I have worked with for 4 years didn’t want to work with me anymore, she believed she wasn’t helping me like she should be. I really got upset and then later that night I was suicidal and really thought I was going to do something I would regret later, so I just new that I wanted to get high. I really use when I want to numb everything so I don’t feel any emotions at all. Now that I am coming down off my high, I’m starting to feel all those fucking emotions I wanted to numb in the first place. I just really don’t know what to do anymore or what I want. I keep telling myself that I want to quit and I will start working on stuff that would help me do that, but then something happens and I use again. I feel it just a cycle that I’m going to repeat day after day. Have a good Wednesday…
Heather
NEW YEARS EVE
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years…
I really can’t believe it is the end of 2021… I think this really has been a rough year for me… sometimes I just wish I could make it desapear forever from my mind…I haven’t been very good with my blogging this year…my goal this year is to improve a lot of things in my life right now… like make all my appointments, take all my medicine as I’m prescribed… follow recommendations that I get from all my mental health providers…try to stop my destructive behaviors…. keep in touch more with my son.
Currently I’m still really struggling with my meth addiction…I was even recently prescribed Naltrexone… it’s supposed to help me with my cravings…but I don’t think it is going to help if I don’t take it…I’m really scared it would hurt me really bad since I’m still using… I talk to my doctor next week… and I’m going to be honest with her and tell her I don’t take it and I’m still using…
I’m done for now… hope you all have a happy new year… Heather
Update on my medicine change…
A couple of months ago I had a medicine change. I was taking seraqole. I completely stopped taking it and started taking Vraylar. Well that really didn’t work out like I wanted it. So about a week ago I went back on my seraqole. I’m starting to feel my normal self again. I’m really not for change so I am not going to be changing my medicine again soon.
This past weekend I went and visited with my mom. It was a ok visit. I was triggered a couple times but got through it. I am really glad to be home.
Have a good day
Heather
Can’t sleep
Since I have went off my seraqual, I can’t sleep at all. Does anyone have any suggestions that could help me with my sleep.
Heather
Affirmations
I deserve to be happy!
Change is hard, but it’s worth it
Pause and take some slow, deep breaths!
It’s okay to ask for help!
This storm will pass!
Tolerate uncertainty!
Making a mistake doesn’t mean I am a failure. Everyone makes mistakes!
The only way out is through. Face it and work through it in order to gain control over it!
Though days don’t erase the progress I’ve made!
What am I worry about? How likely is this to occur? Evaluate the evidence!
It may not seem like it now, but this feeling will eventually pass, it will not last forever!
Stop focusing on the past! I can shift my attention to the present by practicing a mindful activity!
I will try to observe my thoughts without judgement!
Use a healthy coping strategy:Go for a walkWrite in a journalSpend time coloringMeditateListen to music
Resist the urge to isolate, reach out to s friend or family member. I may not feel like doing this right now, but I know that I usually feel better after I do so!
Challenge all-or-nothing thinking! Find the shades of grey between the black and white!Ā
If I find myself focusing on negatives, I can counter this by identifying and writing 3-5 positive things!
Panic attack tip ride it out!Label what I am experiencing as anxietyAccept it! Do not fight it or try to control itUse grounding techniquesRemember this will not last foreverIt is unpleasant, but it will eventually pass!
54321 Grounding techniqueLook around, identify and name:5 things I see4 things I physically feel3 things I hear2 things you smell1 thing you taste!
The Attack
So I opened my door. I should of never opened it. I recognized the knock and still opened it. He didn’t give me time to shut the door and he slammed it behind him. He threw me on the floor and and held me down to where I couldn’t move or breathe or even scream for help. He forced himself on me and raped me over and over again for hours. I was so scared to death. This isn’t the first time he has done this. I really wish I was strong enough to to something about it, but I am not. This caused me to relapsed on meth all I want to do right now is numb everything I am feeling…
Heather
~thebpdgirl39~ 