January, 26th

Here it is 3:30 am. I’m sitting here in my bedroom wondering if I am ever going to make a positive change in my life. Make things good for me. That was my new years resolution, do positive things and try to stay sober. Well I already fucked that up. I’m on my second night up from using meth. I need to go to sleep today. I’m so exhausted. I had a really bad day Monday. I was told that a case manager I have worked with for 4 years didn’t want to work with me anymore, she believed she wasn’t helping me like she should be. I really got upset and then later that night I was suicidal and really thought I was going to do something I would regret later, so I just new that I wanted to get high. I really use when I want to numb everything so I don’t feel any emotions at all. Now that I am coming down off my high, I’m starting to feel all those fucking emotions I wanted to numb in the first place. I just really don’t know what to do anymore or what I want. I keep telling myself that I want to quit and I will start working on stuff that would help me do that, but then something happens and I use again. I feel it just a cycle that I’m going to repeat day after day. Have a good Wednesday…

Heather

14 thoughts on “January, 26th

  1. Hi! Thank you for sharing your story with us. The fact that you shared this in a blog, showing humility and transparency, says a lot about your desire to get clean. Recovery is possible. Please feel free to reach out to me at any time. I am a person in recovery and want you to know that we do not have to walk through this alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cycles suck and they do exist. Your not alone in that experience, nor are you alone in having providers stop working with you. I’ve been in therapy since 2006 and have gone through a lot of providers, some from moving, others from being fired by me, some for firing me. I found for myself that in my desperate hour, surrounding myself with like minded people helped, whether thats AA, NA, therapy groups. Its extremly hard because I also experience social anxiety, but, I sat in the quiet dark corner and slowly after time I was able to build the courage to speak. I’m no where near healed, recovered, but, I’m on the road of recovery and well, its easy to fall off of. Picking myself up though each time, I have to say if I change my thoughts and say I’m proud of each time I pick myself up instead of being disappointed, it kinda helps. (grammer in this comment sucks, but I hope its readable πŸ™‚ )

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    1. Hey,
      I also have social anxiety…I hate leaving my apartment…I tried going to an NA meeting but I was really triggered and when I got home I used…that was couple years ago…I have tried looking online for meetings but no luck there… thanks for the comment and nice to meet you….

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i feel this to my soul girl! meth is a hell of a drug dont be to hard honey it has gotten the best of me plenty of times! meetings help but man its like theres a void in my life without it sometimes and i know that you can do this and i can do this and please feel free to reach out! i could use someone that understands me

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Nicole, it’s nice to meet you. I’m glad to meet someone who kinda understands the additional of meth. I don’t really have any support from anyone, or really anyone who understands and has been there. Thanks for the comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. yeah it’s Lonley and the addiction makes us almost hide from life and I know I barely leave my dang bedroom I would like to somehow if you would like to message privately I am not sure how other than maybe posting my email lol let me know if you would like a “penpal” of sorts

        Liked by 2 people

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