Self-Sabotaging

I have been told that I have been doing this alot lately… sabotaging everything I am doing that is good for me…I have never heard of this until I looked it up and did research…I couldn’t believe it but I agreed…so my goal right now is to figure out how I can stop myself from doing it anymore…I found this 31 day DBT challenge to stop sabotaging…I wanted to share it with you in case anyone else wants to try it…

The workbook is called…

Hope you are all doing ok.

Heather

Inpatient Stay

Last week I was amited to the impatient unit. I was there for about 6 days. I really know I needed it, but I don’t think it helped me at all. They really didn’t do anything. I got rest. I think my meds aren’t working for me right now. I don’t have a med eval until the 27th. I hope I can wait until then. My thoughts are really not good right now. I’m still not coping well in my new apartment. I know I just have to give it time. I haven’t really gone out to meet anyone here. Still kinda scared but hopefully soon. I’m getting a visit from my mom this weekend. Happy about that.

Hope you are all doing well..

Heather

All Moved In

Sorry, it’s been a minute since I posted. I’m trying to stay up with posting often this year.

Since my last post I have my from my apartment that I had lived in for 14 years. This has been a really hard move. I’m not coping with it well at all. I didn’t really tell a lot of people where I was moving to either. It’s supposed to be like a fresh start. I’m hoping it gets easier really soon. I really haven’t gone outside to even try and meet people. I really seem to draw the wrong crowd. So I think I will wait on meeting new people later. I can’t believe it’s already June. My son left last week for Florida for the summer. I hope he has fun.

Last week I asked to see a new therapist. That’s another big change I’m not ready for. Please pray I get through it with no problems.

Hope you have a good day Heather

It’s A Brand New Day

I want to reach out to anyone who is feeling alone, isolated, unworthy, and unloved. I have struggled with a few different diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, PTSD, and Addiction have been the major one’s in my life for years. Sexual Abuse I have never talked about. Self-mutilation I keep a secret. I am so lost. I’m so desperate to be loved by anyone that I am willing to let anyone destroy me. Then I need to get high to NUMB everything that I am feeling at the moment. Meth is my favorite drug. I’m to the point I have to stop or it’s going to kill me.

So today I want to change that. Start a new day. Try my best very best to get clean. I know I can do this. I just have to believe that I can. I have total control, and no matter what I can’t give up!

Heather

Hopefully Moving…

Hopefully today I will find out what’s going on with my moving situation…I’m really wanting to move out of the apartment I’m in right now…if everything goes good then I have to be out of my apartment by Monday…I have lived in this apartment for 10 years and there is so many bad memories…I’m going to make the new apartment a fresh start…I’m really not taking a lot of my stuff…I’m really hoping this works out… send good vibes…

Thanks Heather

Chronic venous insufficiency

So I woke up this morning, and my foot was so swallon and a big bruise on the back of my foot…I have never been in so much pain…I felt like my foot was going to pop if It got any bigger…so I decided to go to the doctor and make sure I didn’t have a blood clot or anything… she said that it was chronic venous insufficiency… never heard of it before…but it could have been caused by me using meth… she told me that if I didn’t take care of it and it got worse I could end up losing my foot…I don’t want that to happen…so getting this news maybe what will help me quit using…

I see no point anymore in asking for help!!

I’m told by my therapist, case manager, med nurse to reach out to them for help if I need to…so I do… and I don’t get a response from any of them…so I don’t know what the point in asking for help from anyone anymore…I’m really struggling and I feel like I am all alone…my suicidal thoughts are really getting bad….I don’t know what to do anymore…

why does god have to take you away

February was the worst month this year…I have lost to many people close to me…I lost my best friend to an overdose…lost my grandpa… and just lost another friend…I really just can’t take much more…I think I am still in shock and haven’t really processed anything yet… the way I have been coping is using…all I want to do is feel numb…

Heather

At my breaking point

I am truly at the point where I can’t take it anymore…I’m so tired of trying to do the right thing and then a minute later…turn around a fuck up the good thing I just did… there is no point anymore…I wish someone would help me understand why the hell I feel this way… nobody cares anymore…

January, 26th

Here it is 3:30 am. I’m sitting here in my bedroom wondering if I am ever going to make a positive change in my life. Make things good for me. That was my new years resolution, do positive things and try to stay sober. Well I already fucked that up. I’m on my second night up from using meth. I need to go to sleep today. I’m so exhausted. I had a really bad day Monday. I was told that a case manager I have worked with for 4 years didn’t want to work with me anymore, she believed she wasn’t helping me like she should be. I really got upset and then later that night I was suicidal and really thought I was going to do something I would regret later, so I just new that I wanted to get high. I really use when I want to numb everything so I don’t feel any emotions at all. Now that I am coming down off my high, I’m starting to feel all those fucking emotions I wanted to numb in the first place. I just really don’t know what to do anymore or what I want. I keep telling myself that I want to quit and I will start working on stuff that would help me do that, but then something happens and I use again. I feel it just a cycle that I’m going to repeat day after day. Have a good Wednesday…

Heather