Missing a Monster

2 years ago today, I lost my best friend and a monster in my life.

He just went to go get him some drugs and after he picked it up and was driving around with a friend they ended up getting pulled over. He didn’t want to end up going to jail so he ended up eating the 5 g of meth he had on him. Sad to say it ended up killing him that day. I think of him every single day.

Today has been a really hard day for me. I really can’t believe how I have made it through this day at all. I’ve been wanting to take a whole bunch of pills that I have had in front of me all day. I just now flushed those down my toilet. I have decided that I don’t want to do that and I cooked dinner and getting ready for a visit with my mom tomorrow.

Heather

February 2021 Goals

I decided to come up with some goals that I want to work on…

1. Learn to accept the way I am. 2. Need to feel and express my feelings effectively. 3. Learn how to use my spare time more better. 4. Want to feel more comfortable with my body. 5. Learn how to handle being alone better. 6. Learn to be more assertive with others and set boundaries. 7. Stop a drug I’m addicted to. 8. Learn to live in difficult situations with out using drugs. 9. Learn to handle my anxiety and stress a lot better. 10. Try and complete these goals by the end of the summer july-2021.

I can do this!!!!

Heather

I’m a major failure…

No matter what I am going to fuck up again and again…why keep trying for nothing…I hate myself right now…

Wanting to try a medicine that would help me stop using my favorite drug…

So for the past month I have been talking with a few people in my treatment team…they were wanting me to try Adderall in place of the use of meth… Now it’s Vyvanse… from what I have read and people telling me it has the same affect as meth and can make me feel the same way maybe…I’m willing to try it out but first I have to pass a drug test and make sure that all the meth is out of my system…as soon as I get clean I will be trying it…is there any one who is taking Vyvanse that can tell me how you feel about it?

Letting go

At some point, you just have to let go and move on. It might be the hardest thing in the the would to do, but you have to summon all of the strength you possibly can to finally let go. Some people and things just aren’t going to be meant for you, no matter how much you hoped they would…But know that it’s ok for things to not work out. Nobody’s life is a straight line that makes perfect sense. Everybody has twists and turns, and everyone has to turn around every now and then. So when you find yourself wishing and hoping things out of control would change, summon all your strength to let go and start heading back in a new direction because it’ll lead you closer to your true path.

NIKKI BANAS

February 16th

Be open to change. Be open to allowing yourself to blossom. That is the first step. Be gentle with your journey. No one changes over night, no one is perfect. It will be a struggle but you can do it. Speak kindly to yourself. Look in the mirror and say nice things even if it is hard and believe it. Learn to have compassion for yourself and for mistakes. Everyone makes them. Ask for what you really want and don’t be afraid to believe that you are worthy of it. You are so worthy. Don’t be afraid to love yourself completely even when you fuck up every single day.

Merry Christmas

I know that this is a day late…but merry Christmas… hope you had a great Christmas…mine was ok…my son got me a new friend…his name is Don and he is very loveable and soft…I really love the way he sits… very cute…I really needed a new friend…we even had a little white snow blowing around yesterday…

I know I haven’t been writing lately but I’m going to try and keep up… hopefully my new year is better than the last one… hope everyone has a good and safe new year…

Really struggling and about to just give up…

I’m just really struggling with everything right now and I’m really tired and don’t want to deal with it anymore…I think I need to take my meds and try to get some sleep for a bit…if that doesn’t work by later today I think I need to go back to the inpatient unit and get more help…or something because nothing else is working… I’m not sure if I ever mentioned that I hear voices…they are really bad right now and I can’t get them to shut the fuck up…all they say is I am a worthless piece of shit and deserve to die…

Chat with my son…

So tonight I got to chat with my son (texting)… right now he is at college…I asked him what he had planned for tonight…he answered me and said he was going to be at a friend’s house and they were going to be smoking weed and drinking hard liquor…my son is only 20 he will be 21 in March… now I’m really worried about him and I have no idea what to say to him…he told me to trust him and he would be okay… anyone have any ideas on what I can say to him or just leave him alone…

got to start over again…

Got to start tomorrow a new day…I new I would fuck up again…I ended up relapsing on meth and getting really drunk…then ended up in impatient unit for a week…I knew that since I was doing good…it wouldn’t last long…

Everyone is telling me just start tomorrow over again and don’t give up…I will try it again tomorrow…