One year old

I was just sitting here thinking about things…I realized that it was a year ago in August that I was last in the the inpatient unit where I live… guess I am doing better than I thought…in 2019 I was in there a lot… guess I should be proud…

Today I finally got my license plates and switched the car from my mom to me…I was supposed to have it done a couple months ago… that took a lot of stress off shoulder… hope you all have a good night…

Today I’m 21 days sober

To be honest I really didn’t think I was going to make it this far with out fucking up and getting high… I have always needed to be high part of my life…to numb everything so I couldn’t feel anything…that was mostly part of the reason I got high…I couldn’t feel a thing until I started to crash… then it was time to start all over again…

I’m just waiting for the ball to drop and something happen that gives me the reason to get high again…I always fuck up…but I will say I never made it this long…so I should be happy about that…

Why I want to stay meth free

I want to be here for my son and watch him graduate from college. I want to become more healthy. Make new and better friends. Have a better relationship with my family. But mostly though the number one reason is to be here for my son and myself!!!

“13 days today”

I found this app and started to use it… now I want to share it with you guys…I don’t say this often but I’m actually proud of myself… this has been the longest time I’ve been sober in years…I actually look at it daily and then smile and say I got this…

I hope you all have a good weekend… heather

Can’t take much more…I have had enough… can’t do it no more…

So I have had to people that are supposed to be my friend’s stay in my house…I can’t take it anymore…they have to go…I just found out that the guy is a registered sex attender for rap… that scares me a lot now… there would be times I would wake up and he would be sitting on the edge of my bed naked…I take medicine that knockes me out and I have know idea what is going on around me… and I would wake up with a really bad stomach pain…it would feel like you just had sex and I know that I that I didn’t…I’m just really scared and have been the last couple of nights…I hate myself so much right now…I self-harmed earlier…I haven’t done that in a long time…I don’t know what else to do…

Ready to give up

Today I am really having a bad day… and really struggling with using…I just want to give up on everything…I’m so tired of trying to fix things and start to do better… then the next day I fuck them up again… it’s a pattern for me…I’m just tired of trying and then fail over and over again…

Saying goodbye as he goes off to college…

I got to say goodbye to my son tonight as he left for college. He is a sophomore this year at Perdue university. He got an apartment this year with a couple buddies he knows. I’m very proud of him. He has grown up to be a very good young man. I really didn’t want him going because of the virus still going on and I’m afraid that he is going to catch it. He tells me not to worry that he will be okay. I hope he has a good time.

August 19th

I just realized that it has been about a month since I have posted anything…

Right now I’m going through a lot of shit and I have reached the point to where I have had enough and I am ready to just give up…I’m still struggling with my drug of choice… and now I’m dealing with two friends that won’t leave my apartment and I have asked them so many times…I’m so stressed out that I have missed many appointments and I’m not taking my meds like I should be… it’s like they don’t have any respect for me or they would of left the first time I asked…I know this is now starting to effect my mental health… and I am also on housing witch if they find out that I have people staying with me I could lose my apartment…I don’t want that to happen…I’m just ready to give up and say fuck it and go stay with my mom in another town…

Heather

Staying clean didn’t last long…

Why is it so hard to stay away from the drug you love so much… and the only thing you can find that will numb everything you are feeling…I don’t think I’m going to be able to fight this battle that I have been thring to beat for ever…

Heather

I fucked up again…

Yeah I fucked up again and used… this past week has been a week from hell…all I wanted to feel was numb and the only thing that makes me feel that way is using meth…I went for 3 days and felt good…I didn’t think of anything else but getting high…and here I am regretting it…

My physiatrist was supposed to call me last week for our appointment and I really needed to talk to her because of the new meds she put me on…waited all day for her call and nothing… she didn’t call me until a week later and I called every day telling her it was important I wasn’t liking the way the meds were making me feel…

Thursday my therapist was supposed to call me for an appointment also…waited all day for her to call… never got a call from her…still haven’t so I said fuck with them and I don’t care anymore…

I’m really hating myself and my life right now…

Heather