This really has been a hard month for me…. good by July…

It has been about a month since my last post…I have really dealt with a lot of shit this month…my car broke down in June so I missed having my car…

July 6th was my birthday…I turned 41…I got in a fight with my mom the week before that so she didn’t even call and wish me a happy birthday… I ended up sleeping all day until I got a phone call from my son wishing me happy birthday…that made my day… the next day I even got a birthday card from my son…it brought tears to my eyes…I miss my son so much… the last time I saw him was Christmas…

Now the last couple of weeks have been hard…I have had 3 people I know overdose on meth that was laced with something…2 of them didn’t make it and died… right now overdoses are really high in are town…I really think all this and it being so close…and really scaring me… it’s going to be what makes me quite for sure…I hope so I don’t want it to happen to me…

Some good news I talked to my mom yesterday and I am planning on going to see her, my son, my sister and niece’s next week…I’m really looking forward to that… praying nothing gets in the way…

Hugs to you all… have a good week…

Heather

Don and his favorite toy

Don and his favorite toy

I’m now fucking car less…

I’m so angry and upset at the same time. My car finally gave up on me last night. I knew it was coming. It was going to break down soon. I was driving it until it finally did crash on me.

I just wasn’t ready yet. I now don’t know what I am going to do now without a car. I have to pick up my meds 3 times a week. Just something for me to be worried about now and stressing over. I so hate my life right now.

Have a good day Heather

June 12, 2021

Wow I really can’t believe it has been since March 1st that I posted anything. A lot has happened since then. I don’t think I could even remember some of the things that have happened.

My goal is to start blogging again.

The last thing I saw I posted was I was going to try a medicine that would help me with my cravings and stuff with my addiction to meth. That didn’t work out. I ended up using two days after I started that pill. May try it again later down the road , not sure yet. I know I’m not using as much as I was a couple months ago.

Last week I started a new kind of therapy called EMDR. Not sure if I am going to like it, but I agreed with my therapist that I would try 5 sessions before I gave up completely. I also started working through the DBT workbook with my case manager. Since covid-19 we haven’t got to have a DBT group in over a year. So hopefully going through that again I can relearn skills I could be using right now. I know I need to be using them, they sure would help.

Enough for now… hope you all have a good weekend.

Heather

Starting taken my Vivitrol over the weekend…

On Friday my nurse that gives me my medicine worked very hard to get me so I could start the Vivitrol Friday. The last couple of weeks I have been so hopeful to get started on the Vivitrol pills. I have been so desperate to find something that would replace my meth use and help me quite for good.

When I ended up getting home on Friday I took the Vivitrol and then feel asleep. I ended up walking up with a really bad stomach ach. So then Saturday I decided that I wasn’t going to take it until bed time. All day Saturday I struggled really bad with wanting to use. Later Saturday night a friend of mine stopped by, she also uses meth. For a while we just chilled talking about her boyfriend. I really should of never answered my door. She then pulled out her drugs and asked if I wanted to get high. Seeing all those drugs on the table really didn’t help at all. I wanted to get high so bad. I wanted to feel NUMB all over. I ended up giving up on all the hard work that I have done the past couple of weeks at staying clean. I have been using the past 2 days.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I also just fucked up me taking Vivitrol anymore. How could I be so fucking stupid and fuck up everything again.

I’m never going have any luck at all trying to stay away from the meth use. It’s even harder to stay away from it because deep down I really don’t want to quit.

Heather

Vivitrol

Okay so Tuesday I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner who gives me my psycho meds…we have a new plan to hopefully help me with quitting my drug use…I’m going to get to try Vivitrol pills first then switch to the shot from… Vivitrol is supposed to help me with my cravings and other stuff…you can’t use drugs why you’re taking it either…it can cause you to have a heart attack and make you sick also….

I know that I can’t rely fully on the drug to stop me from using…I have to do some work to…I’m hoping so much that this helps me to quit using meth….I have tried for so many years to stop before but I could never stop…

Wish me luck and I could use all the support I can get in this new journey I’m about to begin…

Missing a Monster

2 years ago today, I lost my best friend and a monster in my life.

He just went to go get him some drugs and after he picked it up and was driving around with a friend they ended up getting pulled over. He didn’t want to end up going to jail so he ended up eating the 5 g of meth he had on him. Sad to say it ended up killing him that day. I think of him every single day.

Today has been a really hard day for me. I really can’t believe how I have made it through this day at all. I’ve been wanting to take a whole bunch of pills that I have had in front of me all day. I just now flushed those down my toilet. I have decided that I don’t want to do that and I cooked dinner and getting ready for a visit with my mom tomorrow.

Heather

February 2021 Goals

I decided to come up with some goals that I want to work on…

1. Learn to accept the way I am. 2. Need to feel and express my feelings effectively. 3. Learn how to use my spare time more better. 4. Want to feel more comfortable with my body. 5. Learn how to handle being alone better. 6. Learn to be more assertive with others and set boundaries. 7. Stop a drug I’m addicted to. 8. Learn to live in difficult situations with out using drugs. 9. Learn to handle my anxiety and stress a lot better. 10. Try and complete these goals by the end of the summer july-2021.

I can do this!!!!

Heather

I’m a major failure…

No matter what I am going to fuck up again and again…why keep trying for nothing…I hate myself right now…

Wanting to try a medicine that would help me stop using my favorite drug…

So for the past month I have been talking with a few people in my treatment team…they were wanting me to try Adderall in place of the use of meth… Now it’s Vyvanse… from what I have read and people telling me it has the same affect as meth and can make me feel the same way maybe…I’m willing to try it out but first I have to pass a drug test and make sure that all the meth is out of my system…as soon as I get clean I will be trying it…is there any one who is taking Vyvanse that can tell me how you feel about it?